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The Law School was shocked Monday to learn that Harvard Professor Arthur Miller had died at NYU Law School, 50 minutes into a lecture on res judicata. Authorities insist that foul play was involved. An autopsy report revealed arsenic in Professor Miller's bloodstream, and investigators began investigating.
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Strategic innovations at HLS have rendered the school a "breeding-ground for tree-hugging wusses," LSC representatives told J.D. Dean Todd Rakoff Monday. "I only came here because I thought the school bred blood-thirsty hound dogs, and as such would bridge me that connection to Cravath," said 1L Dave Mrazik.
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Taking a cue from colleague Randall Kennedy, other HLS professors have decided to tackle the words that have troubled their people for years. "This word has been used to denigrate my people in popular media for the last fifty years!" said troubled Prof.
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A student Thursday was stunned when she found that she was not able to get her hands on a copy of the Advisor. Copies of Volume 29 of school's newsletter ran out around two o'clock in the afternoon, before many students were able to get their own copy. "I was absolutely horrified when I saw that there were not any more copies," Laural Firestone said.
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In an unusual turn of events last week, the RECORD reported a story that readers said was "actually news." "I'm speechless," said Julia Tomassetti. "Well, actually I'm not, but still ... Usually I use the RECORD to wipe my feet, but when I saw that front page -- my cranium was eviscerated.
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"Dad-nabbit!" said 3L J.R. Parker in between drags of his cigarillo. "I've finally decided to stop fighting it. They didn't fight fair, but they beat us anyhow, and it's time we Federalists moved on." Parker was referring to the organization's recent decision to drop its protest of the use of the term "United States" in various HLS classes, which members said reflected an unreasonable bias toward what they deemed "Yankee-Pinko" interests.
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Dean Robert Clark Tuesday announced that the Law School would move to a new location in Allston over the summer. Speaking to a standing room-only crowd at a LSC-sponsored town hall meeting Tuesday, Clark said that University President Lawrence Summers had informed him of the decision on Monday.
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Despite the rampant bloodshed and violence plaguing the nation of Israel -- and the ever-increasingly soiled pages of the RECORD -- at least one prominent member of the HLS community has a positive outlook on the conflict. "Looky here," said Office of Career Services Director Mark Weber.
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Dude, I like, just like, totally like wanted to say, Allison Margolin is the BOMB! The bizz-omb, know what I'm saying? The way she writes about her life at Berkeley -- which is so, so, super-duper cool, I mean, like, why would anyone go to HARVARD Law School when they could go THERE? -- is so in touch with reality, ya know? Being the only kid who smokes weed in Altoona, Penn.
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This is a parody. Duh! Any similarity to real events, persons, etc. are almost completely coincidental. Anyone who takes the things written in this paper seriously should have their head checked. But seriously folks, we understand that some people may find the contents of this parody offensive, tasteless or otherwise aesthetically unappealing.
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The Harvard Law School Publicity Office announced Tuesday that it will launch a new magazine that "will actually reflect life at HLS." "We suddenly realized that the alums we're sending these magazines to actually went to school here," Publicity Officer Michael Armini said, slapping his palm to his forehead.
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This semester I am reading the best book and listening to the best music. And if you'll excuse me a moment while I engage in a bit of navel-gazing, I'll tell you all about of them, after which you'll close the newspaper and think to yourself, "Why Ken, I've never heard of any of those things you speak of! Where do you get your splendiferous ideas, so urbane yet so fetchingly inaccessible? How do you manage to be so witty and so cultured, yet so down to earth, all at the same time? How can one man refer to Kylie Minogue, Daft Punk, Scylla and Charybdis, Mudvayne, "the tasteful vocoder touch," Phil Spector's Wall of Sound, Timbaland, Cathy Dennis, Madonna's Mirwais collaboration and the Pet Shop Boys all in the space of one column? And is it true what they say about your penis?" Oh, reader, you certainly are too much! But I'll stop before this gets to Manning-y and move on to the reviews.